He wasn't like HIM. Not a bit. His taste was different. His smell unfamiliar, not quite sweet-scented. Body beautifuly (but not too much) muscular yet simply different. Once I've tasted the perfection, it was hard not to compare. Appreciation of similarities was subconsciously blocking my mind and put a stop to my attempt of simply enjoying the moment. Not that there was much to see pleasure in once the tough realization hit me like the a ton of bricks. No one could compare with HIM yet lips of another man were sofly brushing mine in the flaccidity of a candle behid the blue glass window of the mini bar. The dim azure light reflecting around contours of his tender movements, comforting me even if just a little. It reminded me of my first time so I decided I'll go for recommence. Forget the precedent technical know-hows. Just pretend. Though I'd rather just tell him to let the passivity go to hell and make him fuck me raw, I knew I would end up overweening under false pretences. I would find myself in attainability of my climax, firstly growling and finaly screaming out a name that would not belong to the person who was buried deep inside of me, searching for his own release as well. God knew I could not afford such a thing to happen. It wasn't for the fact that maybe the guy which I lead into my bed wouldn't come back and labeld me as a disgusting pervert. Let's make this clear. It may sound harsh, but didn't give a shit about him, which was a serious problem since I needed someone with whom I would found a connection, give a fucking damn for a change. He was a very promising candidate, at least for the sexual pleasures that is. But no. That wasn't the reason for which I couldn't shout my beloveds name. It was for the cause that I was well known around this place called world. Fame. Something that I, nor anybody else could change. A decision I made as a bearly fiveteen year old boy. Six years later, I am here; embraced with arms that are not from the person they ought to be, trying not to moan the sweet sounding, short name of him. The taboo I was trying to overcome.
We had this conversation once. Not a long time ago. Me and HIM. About if it was narcissism. The conclusion was that it was not the matter. That night I told him, that he was everything that I am. That's when I wrote our song. We had our quality time. Just talking. Not some deranged, wild sex session. Real fondness and affection. And I knew from that day on that we'll go together everywhere. Even into the night. When I showed him the scribbled italics of my handwriting, he went quiet and I got scared. Scared that maybe he didn't have the same sensation. I asked him if it was okay and he replied with a question. »Do you realy feel this way?« When I decisively confirmed the unfinished lyrics, he told me a sentence I will never in my life be able to forget. "You're not only evrything that I am, but everything that I am not, which is exactly the reason why I love you and one of many things that conects us, so that we can always be one, no matter how far from eacother we are, or how deep we fall." These were his precise words, the missing text. »Gabriel,« I managed, controling my toughts for a second or so, my rough voice waking me from my reverie while moving my lips from his slowly. »I told you to call me Gab,« he smiled. I knew Gabriel for a week or so. Since the day I left from home in anger and confusion and decided to get drunk in a fancy bar downtown. Gabriel happend to be shooting some snapshots there for a photographic competition. Don't ask me about how we came in contact. I only remember that I orderd way too much rounds of tequila, that I realy liked his jawbone and ended up waking in his bed with his light snore in my ears. I didn't even recall him telling me he was gay. Neither did I recollect telling him, that I was not gay, but neither a virgin. As complicated as it realy is, he would've mistaken it for intoxicatment anyway. Founding myself with a never bigger headache, in a highly unknown bedstead with my insides tearing down in regret. That was the worst of it all. After a few days of no phonecalls form my other half, I became aware of the fact that HE was randomly fucking every girl that would past his way. The only interrogation still weighing havily on my mind was if he was doing it because of some unknown rage towards the situation or whether his own amusement and pleasure. »Gabriel sounds better,« I broke the silence with a true statement. He laughed and somehow I came to think he wasn't going for my money, or fame, or publicity, although I quickly reminded myself that something like that couldn't posibly happen. Sure, I don't know much about him, only that he has a sister and that he's a model, who is working a part-time job as a cameraman. Maybe some other small details. But even if it was true and he really liked me, he would be the one to end up suffering in the end. My heart was namely given away even before I was born.
»Gabriel?« I repeated, before my brain had the chance to carry on with the flashbacks that were begining to shape. »Yeah?« came a voice from above me, piched higher than I was used to. I opend my mouth, but didn't realy know what to say. Maybe saying his name was a mechanism to keep me in conection with the reality. I cursed my state of mind for playing tricks on me. »Can we… Just take it easy?« I questioned, surprised by the innocent sound of my voice. My eyes were researching his face when he decided to kiss my parted lips. »Sure,« he whisperd and pressed a smack in the corner of my mouth. He stretched out to his left and reached for the small bottle of KY on the nightstand. »Thanks,« came my alomst inaudibile response. I bit my lip and leaned on my elbows looking down my body. He tore the small golden wrapper of a durex condom open with his teeth and spit the scrap out of his mouth. I took the rubber and slided down between our frames and sliped it on his hardening member. I swallowed hard and it was audibile enough for even Gabriel to hear it. »You ok?« he asked silently. He must had noticed the slight shaking of my arms too, as he put one of his hands ontop of my palm and squeezed delicately. I gave him a nod. »Fine. I'm fine,« I assured him and raised my eyes. »You know, we don't have to do this if you're not feeling like it. It'll only hurt more if you don't relax,« he told as-a-matter-afactly. So I did tell him that I wasn't gay, but left out the virgin part. I felt prowd for not being that stupid, even in times of pure desperation. Tears started to form in my eyes and I couldn't quite put a finger on why. I felt like all my strenght left my limbs. »I realy need this,« I said in a low voice. He gave a sign of refusal. »I don't know,« came his hesitation. »Well I do. Do it. Don't delay it any longer or I might be able to change my mind. I need this. Please.« He sighed and noded once and layed eyes on my chest of a quick moment. He licked his lips and drew me closer to him, so I sliped down the sheets. He lifted one of my legs, so the back of my knee rested on his shoulder. "This is just not right and you know it. We have to work it out somehow. I think we need to take a break. From eacother that is. 20 years of being together, our whole lives of being together… That realy got me fidgety. Let's just… I don't know. Try to work it out somehow! Somehow different." The dispute playing in my head on repeate was reminding me that I was doing the right thing. Being second best to HIS everyday fucks was tough enough to undergo, yet he tought I should be told off too. HE changed so much in the last month.
Yeah, we took it further three weeks ago. I was sick of ragging and he was too. But because I was the one who was the first to suggest to go further, I was obviously the only one to blame. Because I was the one who kissed him first, the iniquity was found only in my intentions regardless the fact that he kissed back, even more powerfully. Although he was the one who agreed with it and the one who could prevent from puting his dick into my virgin ass. The teasing and the touches were not just fooling around anymore. What was he thinking? That I'm one of his foolish, yet extravagant groupies? No. No, no, no! I was more that that… Wasn't I? »Am I hurting you?« asked Gabriel anxiously, when seeing the salty droplets running out the corners of my eyes. Two lubed fingers slid out of me ever so carefully, leaving me empty before the realisation of fulliness even hit me. »No,« I objected. »It's just… Touch me. I need to feel you. Please. Make me come.« If HE is having HIS amusement, than why not me? HE is hard right now. I can feel the desire for his release in my cells. »Fuck me,« was all Gabriel needed before he placed himself infont of my hole and slowly but stadily pushed inside. My calve pressed to his sweaty back in an attempt to stimulate him, to go all the way in, no stops. He was fully seated on me and my imagination escaped out of control. Suddendly, Gabriel was long gone. I felt like I was the earth moving around HIM, representing the sun. My own sun. So hot. Bearly on reach. If you get too close, you'll get burned. And there might be a chance you'll never be coming back from the neverending heat. »Move,« I orderd to the being above me. He painfully, however gracefully pulled out and pushed back in. I gave out a cry, a mixure of the burning pain and the infinite longing to feel more. I opend my eyes and looked up. I didn't meet a pair of brown orbs, entirely identical to mine, but the smoky blue ones that belonged to Gabriel. I can't help but wonder what HE would do if he were him. I kept thinking about what we would do. Together. Looking into eacothers eyes. Somewhere between Gabriels steady pushes, I felt my body go numb. How come it hurt less when HE did it? Why isn't he here? »This isn't right…« said the silk tenor of my dominant lover as I felt the sudden emptyness in the lower part of my body. I gave out a yelp when he slowly pulled out. I remained on my position, short winded. Breath gasping. Embarrassed.
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